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I cared about you a lot. A whole lot. You know last night, at 3am I walked for almost an hour trying to search for you, you know how fucking worried I was about you? I tried calling and calling yet you didn't answer. I was so scared, cars kept pulling over, guys kept saying nasty things to me, following me... but I kept on going, searching for you, then when I couldn't find you I walked all the way back, and drove around looking for you. When you finally picked up I was so relieved. I followed you, tried to calm you down, even with all the blisters on my foot for walking so far, I still kept going after you. I didn't even care you twisted my arm to the point where it's aching like hell today. But what do I find out, you didn't freaking pick up the phone cause you were talking to her. What if I did get raped, and I was trying to call you for help, what then? My pregnant ass was out there at 3am in the morning trying to search for you, and I didn't care about anything else but making sure you were okay. On top of that you talk about you have no friends, and you don't consider me your friend. What the hell? Are you kidding me? Who the eff do you think I am? You talk all this shit about me not sticking up for you in the car when the only reason why I didn't is because I'm scared of people screaming at each other. Oh but I guess you get special treatment cause you definitely stuck up for me for all the shit she said about me... I'm fucking selfish? You were the one that brought up abortion in the first place, and I'm contemplating it because it seems like you were the one that needed it. When you told Huy, the first thing that came out of your mouth was 'if you should get an abortion'. I'm the effing person who started looking at baby supplies and even starting up a baby registry. I actually wanted another baby in the next 5-10 years, and even though it was an accident, I was fairly excited to be expecting again. I'm a bad mother? Out of all the things she could say she shouldn't even be freaking judging me in this area, she has no right to say that I'm a bad mother when she hasn't even been in my place. My son is the most important thing for me in the world and I've gone through hell and back to make sure he grows up with everything he needs. I'm stupid and I should stop making mistakes and accidents? What the effing hell? Really? It takes two people fucking to have a baby. Who's the one that made me get off my birth control? You were! You were the freaking reason why I got off of it in the first place and I'm being blamed for being stupid?? for making mistakes?? You're effing out of your mind. I'm stupid for moving so far to be with you? I don't know how many times I've told you so far, you were the icing on the cake for me moving back but you weren't the reason I moved back. I would've moved back whether or not you were in my life. My life was beyond stressful there and I've been wanting Leon to go to school in Texas for YEARS. So think what you want, I liked people in California before, not like I'm going to move there to be with them. I moved here cause this is my hometown, and this is where I knew I could survive on my own. There was no way I could survive on my own up in Boston with the insane rental prices. You talk about how your friends talk shit about you behind your back but have you sit and thought about how I feel with you shit talking about me? Your friend, someone who cared a lot about you and you go and say all this shit about her to someone else. Oh my, thinking about being stuck in the relationship with me makes you want to go effing crazy.. really? Thanks a lot. If you wanted me to leave then let me fucking leave instead of telling me, "you should stay here", "I want you to stay", "I want to take care of you", "I want you to be comfortable" and what ever else you always say when I want to leave. Then on top of everything, you lie to me.. lie after lie without any hesitation. "Oh I called Honda for the kids parents." "The kids are still playing games." Even after I confronted you saying I knew you were lying you still ARGUED with me that you didn't. Yeah... that's the respect I get for caring for you. Go ahead and go eat Subway with her while you left me home for 5 hours and all I wanted was to go get food. Go ahead and lie and drive around talking to her. We're not in a relationship so why does it matter. Just go ahead and keep lying to my face, it just makes it easier to hate you. You fucking screamed at me until I was shaking in tears because you blamed me for everything, you losing your friends, your life, and especially because you lost her because of me. You didn't lose her, you still text her all the time in your stupid little private message box, you act like I'm oblivious, you tell me you haven't talked to her when you do. It's just lies after more lies and why should I care, you say we're nothing to each other so you didn't have to hide shit. And yes, I agree.. we're nothing to each other.. you've lost my respect as someone I cared a lot about. You can just live your life however the hell you want and I won't give a shit about you or what you do as per your wish last night. You are nothing to me. Nothing. |
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kizutsuita's journal
disappointed
exhausted
nauseated
depressed
frustrated